I’ve been an England cricket fan as long as I can remember. I’ve always wanted and expected wins, and became obsessive about following England’s progress since the South African’s toured here in 1994.

I’ve seen some highs and many lows. I’ve coped with Neil Smith puking on the pitch and the Sri Lankan pinch-hitters humiliating us in the 1996 World Cup. I’ve coped with us failing to bowl out the Windies as the umpires refused to give any LBWs in the first (or was it second) match of the tour of the Caribbean in 1998, as well as the collapse that preempted Atherton’s resignation in the last match. I’ve coped with us losing to the Kiwis in 1999, further piss poor World Cups in 1999, 2003 and 2007 and failing to chase down the Zimbos score in Harare in 1996/7. I’ve even coped with the batting collapse that led to Australia winning the Adelaide test in 2006.

Even throughout all of this humiliation, I remained confident that we’d beat the minnows. The closest we have come in recent years to losing to a non-test playing nation was when an 18-year-old Baz Zuiderant slapped our boys around the sub-continent in the 1996 World Cup.

Now, we were – supposedly – piss poor in those days. These days we have quality players and momentum, with ODI, T20 and Test success in recent months, and consider ourselves to be a decent side. Tonight we lost to Holland + Dirty Dirk. Dirty Dirk, to be fair, didn’t even do that much. It was the repo man, the restaurateur and the insurance broker that did the damage. Its the equivalent of Matlock Town beating Manchester Utd in the 3rd round of the FA Cup.

Its a mighty f*ck up and deeply embarrassing. We – the highly paid pros – bottled it on numerous occasions and let the village cricketing ICC associate nation of Holland humiliate us. Oh deary deary me.

Orange order embarrass English pros

Orange order embarrass English pros